James Bond 3: Return of the Sexy
by ColonelKail
Summary: The third installment of my somewhat epic Bond series. The Krew battles against KANG in his unending quest to take over the world. Featuring Greg Smiley as an over-compensating cripple.


James Bond 3....  
KANG, James Bond's foremost nemesis, Attempted to take over the Earth with an army of Yorken soldiers. Fortunately, the Krew Stopped him, again, and left him for dead...  
  
But KANG didn't die, he survived and attacked the newly wed couple of Palicide and Natalia. After the shooting, Palicide was surprised to see that his wife didn't die, thanks to her large amounts of make-up. Now, Palicide and Natalia have gone to the English Plaza hotel, in England, to settle down....  
  
Or so he thought.....  
  
CH 1: Prologue English Plaza hotel  
Inside the honeymoon suite, Palicide and Natalia lay in the bed, panting. "Wow, that was amazing!" Said Natalia. Palicide looked at her and said, "You fancy another go?" She laughed and said. "I'm going to go get some more Champaign-." her face twitched and she repeated herself, "I'm going to go get some more Champaign." Palicide looked at her suspiciously, then said. "Honey, is everything all right?" She smiled and said while pouring Champaign. "Never been better!" She pulled away the bottle and crushed it in her hands. Palicide thought for a moment. "I'm going to go watch a movie..." ~~~~~~~~~MI6 Headquarters~~~~~~~~~  
Meanwhile, at MI6, the rest of the Krew, including the two Galores and Reiker, sat at a table in the cafeteria while Kail told a joke. "...So then he said "that's not a cough drop, that's pepper spray!" Everyone around the table burst into laughter. That's when a message came over the P.A. "Would Krew number 1 please come to M's office?" Bond and Kail got up, saying "we'll be right back." ~~~~~~~~the suite~~~~~~~~  
Back at the suite, Palicide sat down in front of the TV. "Hey! Spaceballs is on! My favorite movie!" He hit the rewind button. Natalia walked into the room backwards, and undressed. Palicide turned around, then said. "Honey, what's wrong with you?" He looked at the clicker, then pressed play on her. She resumed walking forwards and said. "I'm fine silly, why you've been-" He pressed the mute button, and her lips moved, but no sound came out. Then he pressed the Spanish button, and a voice that wasn't hers began dubbing in Spanish, "Yo quiero tú sita, sí?" Palicide looked at her in horror and shouted, "OH MY GOD!" Then she reached out and grabbed him by the neck ~~~~~~~~MI6~~~~~~~~~~  
Back at MI6, Bond and Kail walked into Miss Moneypenny's office. Bond looked at her and said. "Hello Moneypenny, you look lovely!" She smiled and said. "James, M wants to see you and John right away, a bit of an emergency..." Kail sighed and said. "Yes, it usually is." She smiled and pressed a button on the panel, and the door opened up into M's office. Bond and Kail walked in, and a small robot thing bumped into Bond's leg. "A new pet Q?" Q picked up the robot and said "If you ever read any of my memos 007, you would know that this is a prototype for a surveillance system!" Kail looked at the PM and M and said "Good morning M, minister." M stood up and said. "Bond, we have a knew situation here. Recently in various areas of the world, most notably the United States and China, these strange structures have been appearing. The same company, Kilometric Anglo-Saxon Neverending Golf, or K.A.N.G is building them all. We have reasons to believe that this is a front for KANG..." Kail leans towards Bond and whispers, "Really?" ~~~~~~~~~~Palicide's suit~~~~~~~~  
Back at the suite, Palicide, was gagging as Natalia had him in a vice grip. He reached forwards and pulled off her face, revealing a robot...face. "Natalia, your a fembot!" She dropped him and said. "No shit, Sherlock!" Then two machine guns came out of her breasts. "Machine gun jubblies? How did I miss those, baby?" She said. "Maybe next time you should think about the woman!" He nodded his head and said, "Your right...oh!" He jumped behind the couch as she fired her machine guns at him, when it was done, he waved a small white flag. Then KANG's voice was heard. "Here's my wedding present for you Mr. Palicide, a Kamikaze bride." Then the fembot exploded. Palicide uncovered his eyes, then checked his package. "Oh thank God!" He walked over to one of the hands, and picked it up. "Natalia, the one who showed me the beauty of girl power, my one true love...was a fembot, all along!" Then he thought for a moment. "wait a tic! That means I'm single again?! OH BEHAVE!!!!" Palicide quickly undressed and walked down the stairs naked, "Hey baby! yeah!" Then he shook his groove thang. Staring Pierce Brosnan as James Bond Palicide dances down into the lobby. Sean Bean as John Kail He walked over to the casino, "yeah baby yeah!" Mel Gibson as Jacque Ceasteu Palicide Kevin Costner as Greg Smiley Carol Bouquet as Irennie Galore Natalie Portman as Pussy Galore Palicide dived into the pool, wearing a swim suit Speedo. He performs synchronized swimming with several women. Bill Pullman as KANG Alec Baldwin as Reiker Teraku now Palicide is dressed again and dancing through the streets of London towards MI6 with tons of people following him. He dances up to a cop, then stops. The cop and Palicide start dancing at the same time. Also Staring Desmond Llewelyn as Q Michael Cain as B Judi Dench as M Palicide stops in front of MI6, with the rest of the Krew dancing with him. Everyone strikes a pose as the music climaxes and two English flags are unfurled from the building, and the title appears. RETURN OF THE SEXY! END OF CHAPTER 1!  
  
CH 2: Kill Him KANG's secret lair  
Inside a passive volcano, KANG sat in a chair, stroking a Tabby Cat, at a table with 8 people sitting at it. "Ladies and gentlemen, as you all are aware, James Bond and his friends have thwarted my plans over and over. Why is this? Because everyone that works for me is stupid! This makes me angry, and when I'm angry, Buttercup gets upset, and when Buttercup gets upset, people DIE!!!" KANG pressed several buttons on his control panel, burning up all but three people. "The reason I have spared your lives is because I need you to destroy them, Major Sergio..." He looked over at a man in an eye patch. "Number 2, I hope you'll be a better minion than Number 3, go destroy them now! The two got up and left. KANG turned to the last person sitting in a chair. "Frau Farbissina, you'll remain here." She turned to him. "Sir, I have news for you." She spun around to a guard. "Send in the CLONE!" KANG flinched at her scream. "Sir, we have created a clone for you, it is in your like-ness in every way..." A small dwarf walked in. "Except one-eighth your size." KANG looked down, and jumped in his chair. "I shall call him.... Mini-Me" the small KANG walked over to KANG. "How would you like to join me in ransoming the world leaders?" He and Mini-me ran over to the video recorder. ~~~~~~ MI6 ~~~~~~  
Every MI6 Krew stood around in the conference room. The Prime Minister stood at the podium, with M and Q at her side. "Agents, we have a situation..." She was interrupted by a message on the large TV thing. An image of a man, cut off below the head, holding a cat came on. "Attention world leaders..." Across the world, in China, Germany, Turkey, Russia, the United States, Canada, Brazil, Cuba, Iraq, and all other major countries of the world, the same message came to them. "...I'm certain that you have noticed that throughout the world, the same company has built structures. These are radiation emitting electric pulse energy launchers, or, R.E.E.P.E.L. What do they do? They self destruct, causing a huge energy wave that shoots outwards 250 miles destroying everything in it's path, followed by a large amount of nuclear radiation, making the area un-inhabitable for 1000 years. This can be avoided if you pay me...ONE HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS!" Everyone gasped. "But if not...then let me demonstrate the awesome power of the reepel!" The screen cuts to a shot of the city of Sydney, Australia. Our heroes looked in shock as a bright light flashed across the screen. When it dimmed down, everything glowed green, and the entire ground lay flat. Irennie put her hand up to her mouth, Pussy buried her face in Smiley's shoulder. The screen cut back to KANG's torso. "I'll call back in 24 hours, and tell you where the money should be paid to." The screen went blank. Everyone stared in shock, and then Reiker Teraku burst in the back door, and said loudly. "Did I miss anything?" He ran over to his Krew's area, with a little bit of toilet paper attached to his shoe. END OF CHAPTER 2!!!!  
  
CH 3: Oh goody, gadget time! MI6 headquarters, London.  
Multiple women gave each Krew a pamphlet of what to do. Bond flipped open the folder, pictures and lists and documents cluttered it. They are to go to SouthEastern Florida, near NASA. They're mission is to look for any suspicious activity with one of the high oficials working there, a Major Sergio Lalamanana. They are to leave in an hour on an airplane, first class, and be booked into a Holiday Inn. On the way out, they stopped by the Q lab to pick up some equipment. Q stood next to B, talking, then turned towards 007 and the others. "Oh, it's you, this way please..." Q and B lead them into another room. They walked past a man messing with a pumpkin, he sat it down on a table, walked away, and it exploded. Q looked over at the man. "Have that ready for Jenny's Halloween party." Irennie and Pussy stayed behind waiting to leave; they couldn't wait to get to Florida. The six men walked into the car garage. Bond looked over at the Aston Martins and BMWs, and Palicide stared at the Lotus in the corner. Q led them all past those. They came to a stop infront of a van. The four looked at it, mouthes gaping. "Q, you expect us to drive a VAN?!" B steped forward and said, "It's made by the Lotus Company, now look. It has side mounted stinger missiles behind the logo, rockets behind the headlights, retractable machine guns, smoke screens and oil slicks, and naturaly, a refigerated beverage cup holder." Palicide grined and said, "...naturaly." B opened up the side door. "The car holds up to eight people, and, she can change into a truck!" They all gasped. Q reached inside the car and pressed a button; the Van became a truck. Smiley dropped his big gulp orange soda. Q pressed it again and the car became a van again. Q then said. "Now onto more practicle matters."He led them into the next room, B started to, but tripped as his lab coat ripped, caught on the door. He opened it and pulled out the coat, then repetedly slammed the door, shouting "Stupid freaking car!" When he stopped, everyone looked at him, including Q, who may have just had a heart attack, in shock. "Uh...I was jut testing...the, uh...tolerance level of pasenger side collision!" He quietly walked out. Everyone just stared, then Smiley said. "Rrrright." Q shook himself back, then led the four over to the next room.  
"M is making this standard issue for all double-O agents in the field..." He picked up a small device. "You see this? It's a transmitter that shows us where you are. You have to swallow it to activate it." Kail looked at the pill in fear, then said. "Right now?" Q rolled his eyes and led them to another gadget. He picked it up. "This is your new cell phone. Talk here, listen here...." Bond looked at it and said, "So that's what I've been doing wrong all these years!" Q continued "Listen, these each have a small cartidge of nerve gas, and you activate it with whistling a few bars of Rule Britania, effective up to 5 feet. It knocks a person unconcious for a good 2 minutes, and if you do a wolf whistle, it'll expload!" Palicide looked at it, then said, "What if I whistle God Save the Queen?" They collect the rest of their equipment, and hop in the car van, girls in tow, for the airport. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ KANG's secret lair ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
KANG sits in his chair, stroking Buttercup, again, we can't see his face. "Everyone, soon we shall be rolling in wealth, each of you will have your own Pacific Island, and the world economy will be ruined!" He stood up, and slowly, we see his face for the first time in the fic. It is scarred across the left cheek. He stands next to all his minions, and begins laughing maniacly. "AHAHAHAHAHAHA!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Ahahahahaha! eheahahaha! Ahaha...heheha...ahaha...haha...heh...whoo......." END OF CHAPTER 3!!  
  
CH 4: Fun in the Sun Cape Canavral, Florida.  
The Krew arrived at the hotel. Each of them roomied with another person. Irennie and Pussy stayed in one room, Kail and Palicide stayed in another, and Bond, Smiley, and Reiker stayed in one other. The mission began the next day, so, the girls have big plans for themselves and their men. (hey, that ryhmes!) The two Galores unpacked, dressed up in their favorite summer clothes, and brushed their hair. On the way out, they heard a low chirpy-like noise.Irennie looked around. They shrugged and walked into Bond and Smiley's room, where Kail and Palicide had joined them. They discussed various things, then Kail heard a small patering sound. After five minutes, everyone in the room heard it. They all looked around, but saw nothing. Irennie sat down on the bed. Then she felt something on her leg. She looked down, and saw a huge assed Terrorworm! She looked at it, then screamed at the top of her lungs. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" She jumped up, running around, screaming, kicking her leg, trying to get rid of the disgusting creature. Then Kail reached over and grabbed the bug, he picked it up, and looked at it. ~~~~~~~~~~~ KANG's base ~~~~~~~~~~~  
A man sat at a control panel, holding a remote control and looking at a video monitor. It had a picture of Kail's face, looking at the camera. KANG stood behind the operator, looking at the screen ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Holiday Inn ~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Kail looked at the bug, then squeezed his hand, grinding it into little pieces and getting guts all over his hand. Smiley looked at the white gooey mess, then turned away, acting all sick. Kail went to the bathroom and washed off his hands, when he turned around, he was face-to- face with Irennie. "That was really brave of you..." She kissed him as she closed the door. Palicide and Smiley stared at the door. Suddenly, a loud "OOH!" was heard. Reiker turned to the rest of them. "So...what do you guys want to do? Bond and Palicide stood up, and Palicide said. "Bond and I are going to go do some stuff, see some things, and meet some people!" With that, they left. Then Smiley and Pussy got up and left. Reiker looked around the room, and saw that everyone had left, even Kail and Irennie. He pulled his eyebrows together and made a sad face, then said. "I hate being the third wheel!" He sighed and left. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ United Nations ~~~~~~~~~~~~  
All the delegates sat down at the table, as KANG came on. "Attention delegates, I have designated a location for you to deposit your money. I want it to be paid in gold bullion. You are all to send it to Bermuda, where I will have men to pick it up. you have five days to deliver it. If not, then say good-bye to your countries!" ~~~~~~~~~ At Florida ~~~~~~~~~  
After several hours of shopping and such, everyone met up at the Hotel. They walked in, and saw it had been completely ravaged from head to foot...or roof to floor, whichever sounds better. Bond and Smiley looked around the room. several bullet holes littered the wall. Kail opened up the closet, a dead body fell out, with a letter on it. Kail screamed and jumped up on the bed. Palicide knelt down next the body. He read the note. "If you want your friend back, you'll be wise to leave Florida, or else he will, in several boxes...." He flipped it over. "This note will self destruct in five seconds." Palcide balled it up and threw it in the trash can. "Well guys, I guess we-" He was cut off by a loud explosion from the trash can, they all were flown forwards by the force of the explosion. END OF CHAPTER 4!  
  
CH 5: A Game of Golf The Hotel. Time until deadline-4 days and 6 hours.  
Bond sat reading a letter from M. Kail, Irennie, Pussy, and Palicide sat playing cards, Smiley read a book entitled "Reach yourself." After a few moments of silence, Kail cried out "Gin!" and slammed his cards on the table. Bond stood up, and told the others what he read. "Guys....and girls, M has arranged for us to meet Major Sergio, we are going to play a game of golf with him. It's basically us versus his team. Myself, John, Jacque, and Greg will be playing. Ladies, you can caddy." Kail tried to remember the last time he played golf. Smiley thought about that set of solid marble golf clubs he has, and Palicide wondered if there would be free food at the game. Bond then said, "We leave in an hour, get ready." He walked out to his room. After everyone left, Kail turned to Palicide. "your supposed to get the least amount of points in golf, right?" Palicide looked up from what he was doing (shaving) and said. "Yeah, the less points you get, the better." Kail thought for a moment, then said. "Then I should ace this game...."  
One hour later, they all arrived in their luxurious van. Major Sergio walked up to greet them. Bond introduced himself to Major Sergio. "The name is Bond, James Bond." The man said, with a thick Cuban accent. "I am Major Sergio Lalamanana." Irennie and Kail giggled at his name. They began the game, with our team teeing off first. Smiley wandered of somewhere, saying "I'm afraid I can't join you." Bond set his ball down on the tee, then raised his club to swing, Sergio interrupted him. "Strict rules of golf?" Bond looked at him and said. "Of course." Bond hit the ball. It went up, curved down, and went into the hole. "wow! A hole-in-" Bond stopped when the ball bounced out of the hole. ".......damn...." Palicide set his ball down on the tee. He took a few steps away from the tee, lifted his club, ran towards the ball, and smacked it for it was worth, the ball flew all the way at the hole, and hit an old woman hobling down the sidewalk. He gasped in horror, dropped the club, and slowly walked away. Meanwhile, Smiley had been going around the course, planting plastic explosives, which looked like small squirrels, in the ground. The game continued normally, then, at the 12th hole....Sergio sat his ball on the tee, he lifted his club to bludgeon it. Then Kail chirped in as he was in mid swing. "How do they keep the grass so well watered?" Sergio sighed one of those deep sighs, where you just exhale loudly. He went to smack it again, and sent all the way onto the green. He smiled triumphantly. Smiley continued to plant C-4 charges around the course. At the 18th hole, the game was tied up, with Sergio's team winning by one point. (think about it) At the final putt, one A-team member was left playing, it was Kail. Sergio had just sank his putt, and if Kail didn't sink this putt, then the game would be lost and the A-team would owe Sergio ten thousand dollars. Kail went to hit the ball, then Palicide ran up to him. "Remember John, it's all in the hips....it's all in the hips, yeah...it's all in the hips, yeah...it's all-" Kail cut him off and shoved him away.  
Meanwhile, a large crowd had gathered, and several of the people were bouncing around beach balls. Kail went to hit his ball, and a beach ball landed in front of him. He shouted "What's with you people?! This golf, not a rock concert!" He popped the ball with his club. Meanwhile, Smiley had set all the explosives up, and had a detonator button, he counted down. "Ten...nine...eight...seven...." Kail tapped his ball, it rolled towards the hole. "six...five....four...." The ball went all the way, and stopped right on the edge of the hole. "three....two..." Sergio chuckled and said. "Well...I guess you lost." Smiley grinned maliciously. "...one." Suddenly, large explosions tore up the golf course. Huge fireballs went up into the sky, chunks of trees were flung through the air. The ground shook violently, and the ball jiggled, and fell into the hole. When it all stopped, Kail looked down and say his ball had fallen into the hole. Smiley threw the detonator away, turned to Pussy, and high-fived her. Sergio made an angry face. Kail walked over to his friends. "We did it!" Then all of Sergio's friends pulled out pistols. "No...you didn't." Bond and Co. jumped into the their golf carts, and a high speed chase ensued! END OF CHAPTER 5!!!  
  
CH 6: A high speed chase. the golf course. deadline in: 4 days, 1 hour The three golf carts carrying our heroes drove up along side each other. Bond shouted "Split up, and head for the car!" and turned left towards the large water trap. Several thugs got into other golf carts and chased them. Kail turned right, and went through the trees. The people in the cart behind him and Irennie fired their guns at the cart. Irennie reached forwards, and pulled off the removable plexy-glass. She put it behind their heads, and the bullets just ricocheted off it. "Amazing, this modern safety glass!" Said Irennie. At the cart driven by Smiley and Pussy--they drove through the fairway-- Smiley swerved left and right as the thugs in the cart behind them fired, and missed. Bond and Palicide had reached the top of a hill, which goes down, and a small ramp that would launch them across the water trap and towards the country club. Bond floored the accelerator, and the car went down the hill, faster and faster, when they were close enough, Palicide saw that the ramp curved. He grabbed his hat and clutched the arm rest. They hit the ramp, the cart went up, spinning around, they went over the water trap, spinning sideways, the cart hit the ground, then bounced upwards and did several front flips. Golf clubs flew everywhere The car flipped over once more, then sped forwards, at first on it's left two wheels, then stabilized itself, and putted a few more feet, then stopped entirely. Palicide gasped in shock, then said. "I've never done that before!" The two thugs tried the same thing, their cart went up and landed in the water upside down. Bond chuckled and pressed on the accelerator, the cart coughed and sputtered, then died. The wheels all fell off, and windshield shattered. Bond got out and ran with Palicide to the car. Back with Kail, the cart carrying the thugs behind him was gaining. They drove over the first green, then Kail remembered something. "Irennie, take my gun!" He handed her the pistol. She looked at it and said. "What do I do with it?!" He looked at her and said. "Shoot at them!" She leaned out thw window, when suddenly, machine gun fire from someplace else fell upon the enemy cart. Several bullets punctured the hood, and the cart blew up. Then Smiley and Pussy drove up along side Kail. "Hey, where's Bond?" Shouted Pussy. then the Van drove out onto the green, and screeched to a halt next to them. Bond rolled down the window. "Get in!" Everyone pilled into the van. Bond peeled out, and drove for the exit. At the security guard gaits, several of Sergio's men jumped out from the guard post and fired at the windshield, the bullets bounced off the glass. The van plowed through the gates, and turned left towards NASA. several BMW sports cars drove after them. Bond looked in his side view mirror, then looked out the windshield, then did a double-take back at the rear-view. "Shit!" Bond flipped up the arm rest, and pressed a button. The glass reinforced itself, and he hit the accelerator. Smiley opened up a cooler, and handed Kail and Palicide an M- 60 assault rifle. "Okay guys, get ready." Smiley and Palicide opened up the gun port at the back of the van, and aimed at the tires. The BMWs got closer and closer. Bond looked forwards, and nearly overshot the exit for NASA. He did a hard right, and cut across the median. The 4 BMWs remained in pursuit. Several men leaned out of the windows and one out of the sun roofs of the cars, and began firing at the car. Smiley and Palicide ducked down, then fired out the window. They both reloaded, and while doing so, a man stood up in one of the BMWs holding a rocket launcher. Smiley looked out. "Oh...hell no!" He aimed out the window, but his gun wasn't cocked, he cursed, and looked out the window. The guy fired, and a rocket shot out behind him and hit a book store behind him. He looked behind himself, then at the rocket launcher. They guy turned it around and fired again. The rocket went straight at the van. Bond saw a ramp on the road next to the van. He drove up it and drove along the van's right two wheels. The rocket shot under the van and hit a gas station, a huge fireball erupted from the place, and chunks of letters flew everywhere. Bond pressed a button on the van, and a land mine came out of the bumper. the BMW carrying the man with the rocket launcher exploded. The other two drove up along side the van. Bond looked ahead, and saw a bridge going over the river before Cape Canaveral. Kail aimed his Falcon 2 out the window, and fired some random shots at the car next to them. He leaned back in and rolled up the window. Bond looked at the bridge, and saw a road block had been set up. He noticed a car carrier truck ahead, with it's ramp down. Bond reached for the turbo boost. "Hey everyone, you better buckle up!" Palicide looked at him, then reached for his seatbelt, but he and Smiley were too late. Bond hit the booster, and Palicide and Smiley were pressed against the back of the van. The van went up, and ramped over 13 cars in a line, and hit the top of the fourteenth car. The car swiveled a little, then he regained control, and drove calmly towards NASA. one of the BMWs stopped, but the other attempted the ramp, and landed on the cars. The van entered NASA base, and parked. END OF CHAPTER 6!!!!!!  
  
CH 7: Mission: Improbable Cape Kennedy, NASA, Florida. (Not to be confused with Nassau) time until deadline: 3 days, 23 hours. (like a classic video game, the camera rotates around the van, then zooms inside, where M is sending a quick briefing before they begin) "Bond, our satellite imagery has shown the location of Major Sergio's secret lab in NASA, more importantly, they have Reiker down there as well. We don't know how far the conspiracy has spread through NASA, so consider regular personnel as civilians. sneak under the cover of night and penetrate his lab, M out." Then B came over the radio. "Right 007, I've supplied you and your team with dart guns, use those until you get into Sergio's lab. another neat device I've supplied you with is your Q-claw. It comes with a 50 foot high-tension chain, and the claw will attach itself to most surfaces." They all waited in the van for another hour, until it was pitch black. They got out, and Bond set the security level for 3. Everyone pulled out their dart guns, and slowly trekked across the grounds. They all wore sneaking suits, including the women, who wore skin-tight ones. (heh heh...) They quietly walked to where Sergio's lab is. Kail pulled out his night vision glasses-everyone else did the same- and looked around for a secret opening. Bond looked at a clump of bushes next to a building, he found a secret hatch in the middle of them. He waved to the others. "Over here!" They took off their night vision glasses, and pulled out the heavy stuff. Kail pulled out his Falcon 2, Bond grabbed his Walther PPk, Smiley drew his Glock, and Palicide withdrew his (for lack of a better idea) Woflram P2K. Irennie has a Crossbow and a shot gun, and lots of ammo strapped to her shirt. Pussy has a.....Rocket launcher, and a shot gun, with lots of shells strapped to her shirt. the guys twisted in silencers for their guns. Bond pulled out his keycard scrambler. The door to the hidden lab slowly opened, and they walked in. Palicide then said. "Okay guys, lets split up. eh, Irennie, Bond, and Kail, you go that way, Smiley, Pussy, come with me!" Palicide pressed a button on a wall, and a door opened, he and his team went through it. Bond looked at where they were. In front of him, a door, to the left, a hallway, and to the right, the passage Palicide took. Bond thought, then said. "Lets go through that door." He put his keycard scrambler in it. The door opened, and a very shocked guard stood in front of it. "Shit! sound the alarm, Bond is he-" Bond put a bullet in his head, then ran through the door with Kail and Irennie. Two more guards came up to them, Kail rasied his gun to fire, but the gun locked up! Kail through the falcon down and started fighting the man, with Bond fighting him too, hand to hand. Kail punched him in the face, then stomped on his feet. Bond hit his enemy in the gut, then punched him in the face. A guard walked down the hall, stopped, saw recognized Bond, and ran to the alarm. Suddenly, a bolt was in his back. Kail looked over at Irennie, who was reloading, then punched the guy one more time. Bond finished off the thug, then picked up his gun. They all ran into a new room, and found themselves standing on a catwalk over a pit of steaming hot hard water, rushing through the room. Kail looked down, then said. "You gotta be shitting me! Who the hell has a pit of hard water rushing at 70 mph?" Bond shrugged and said. "Who said things have to make sense?" They ran across the catwalk, and into a new room. They had run into the main operations room, with Sergio standing at a podium. The 3 immediately ducked behind some explosive barrels. Then Bond noticed a person walking towards them. He hadn't seen them yet. Bond recognized this person at once. It was Sergio's assistant, Sommevat Herny! the man walked passed them, then heard a gun cock. Meanwhile, Palicide had found a generator room. "Hey Pussy, give me the rocket launcher!" Palicide stood as far away as he could, then signaled Bond. Sergio then said. "Mr. Herny?" Bond stood up and shouted. "Looking for him?" Sergio looked at Bond, then said. "Mr. Bond, do you realize how stupid your position is?" Bond shouted. "No stupider than destroying everything for a madman! What has KANG promised you, anyway?" Sergio started to get angry, then shouted. "Herny, is the weapon ready?" The guy nodded. Sergio sighed and said. "I guess your contract has expired then." Sergio raised his gun and shot Herny. "Mr. Bond....I'm going to tell you my entire plan as I know you have absolutely no way of escaping! You see, KANG is a moron. I'm not going to work for him! in fact, his (In a mocking voice) REEPEL isn't even operational! that shot of Sydney exploding was done with a nuclear bomb, but he doesn't need to know that! Once the U.N. figures this out, I'll send them a message, telling them where KANG's base is!" Bond then shouted. "Then What will you do?" Sergio smirked. "I'll take all the ransom money KANG would have had....and for my master plan...." Sergio activates a screen on the wall. The leaders of South Africa, Kuwait, the United States, Great Britain, France, Germany, and several other wealthy country leaders appear. They are standing in front of a large arsenal of nuclear bombs. "Mr. Bond, these are clones of the world leaders, I'm going to use them to give me there country's gold bullion deposits, then I'll detonate Nuclear bombs in their capitols!" Bond stared at him in shock. and non of them noticed that several guards had run up behind them. "Put your hands up!!" They all put down their weapons, and walked to Sergio. Palicide stood away from the generators, when suddenly, 5 guards ran in, they shouted "put your hands up!!" Pussy and Smiley put their weapons down. Palicide then made a split-second decision, and fired the rocket at the generators. One of the guards fired his gun at Palicide, putting 4 bullets in his back. He fell to the ground, and Pussy screamed. "NNNNNOOOOO!!!!" and grabbed Smiley. to be continued in chapter 8......  
  
CH 8: Mission Improbable, part 2, scene 3. Sergio's secret base, NASA, Florida. Bond, Kail, and Irennie sat in their cell, the lights flickered, then shut off. Red lights came on throughout the complex. About 10 minutes later, Pussy and Smiley were brought into the cell. "Where's Palicide?" asked Kail. Smiley looked up, and said. "He was shot...." Pussy then blew her nose on Smiley's shirt, and a large glob of snot trickled down it. Bond looked away and closed his eyes. Then Sergio and his son walked in. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we are leaving for Iceland soon, please come with me to the dining area." Sergio's son, Bill, turned to him. "Wait, you're not going to kill him, you're going to feed him?" Sergio looked at him, and then said. "Bill....you just don't get it, do ya? Now shut up!" He turned to his guards. "Get our guests dressed in their new wardrobe!" A short while later, Bond and Co. walked out dressed in what looked like Tin Foil and Bubble wrap, minus the crinkling and the popping. "Ah, how do you like your quasi-futuristic clothing?" Irennie and Pussy walked out in bikinis. "I like a woman in a bikini, no concealed weapons." They all sat down. The waiters pulled the lid off the plates. Steam rose up, and a sheep's head sat in Kail's plate. He looked down, double-take, then his eyes widened. He started to wretch, covered. his mouth, then turned to the waiter. "Do you have any soup?" The man nodded, then said. "Da, soup ist coming." Irennie and Pussy chirped in, saying. "I'll have the soup too." The waiter came back, and sat a bowl down in front of Kail. He pulled off the lid. "Mmm...smells great." Kail stuck his spoon in the bowl, and he pulled out a cockroach. He stifled a scream, and pushed the bowl away, saying. "Check please!" After dinner, they all got on a plane, bound for Iceland. "Now Mr. Bond, look out the window at NASA." Everyone crowed around the window, as a the ground seemed to glow red, before a bright blue light shot up from the ground, and disintegrating NASA. Bond turned to Sergio. "If I don't report in by tomorrow morning, my Government will start a search for you." Sergio chuckled, and said. "I doubt they will find me. But, Mr. Bond, you need to worry about them finding you!" With that, several guards pointed their guns at our heroes. Sergio pulled out a pistol, and put on a parachute. He shot at the instruments on the airplane, then said. "Good-bye Mr. Bond. I hope you have a pleasant flight." With that, Sergio and his thugs jumped out of the plane, where a nearby yacht waited for him. Bond looked around desperately for something to use to survive the icy water. He picked up a raft. "This should work!" Then he pulled the string, the raft filled with air, and exploded. Then plane continued to plummet towards the water, now at 1000 feet. Then Smiley had an idea. "Guys, the pills Q gave us! swallow them!" Kail reached into his pocket, and pulled out a horse pill. "How...how is that going to help us, if we die when the plane crashes?" Kail really doesn't like taking pills.... Everyone else held their capsules, and ate them. Kail looked at his, and sighed. He swallows it. Now the plane is at 500 feet. "But guys, what do we do about surviving the water?" Smiley ran to the front of the plane, and pulled up desperately on the controls. Bond looked around. "What's our location? Has anyone the vaguest idea?" Irennie then had a thought. "What about our GPS tracking systems in the phone?" Everyone pulled out their cell phones, and gasped in shock. On the display of the phone, it showed everyone looking down at their phones, then they all looked up. They all pressed a button, and it zoomed out. "Hey, we're only 10 miles off the coast of Virginia!" Then Smiley shouted. "Guys, bail out, we're at 50 feet, and moving at 120 miles per hour!!" Everyone ran over to the door. The water rushed past them quickly. Bond sighed, and jumped out. Kail said, "The things we do for Britain..." and jumped, followed by everyone else. The plane fell into the water, and exploded. END OF CHAPTER 8  
  
CH 9: Hello, Felix. The Atlantic Ocean, near Virginia. dur. Around 11 O' clock the next morning, near a Virginian beach, bits and pieces of an airplane began washing up. A while later, Bond, followed by Kail, Smiley, Irennie, and Pussy, wash up on the beach. Smiley coughs and jumps up, saying. "Christ, that water is freezing!!" Bond got up, and coughed loudly, spitting out sea water. Suddenly, three men walked up to them, holding pistols. "Come with us, please." Bond and the others all got up, and put up their hands. Then Bond, Kail, and Smiley punched the guys in the face at the same time, knocking the men out cold. Bond went to pick up the weapon, when someone suddenly yelled. "Drop it!" They all turned around, and came face to face with Felix Leiter. Bond sighed with relief, then said. "Felix, you old dog, how did you find us?" Felix lowered his gun, and said; "We picked up your homing signal at Langley. I figured it was you guys, only the English use homing signals a kid could pick up on a walkie-talkie. Come with me, I've got a surprise for you guys." The men got into one car, and the two ladies got into another. En route to one of many CIA headquarters, Kail explained to Felix the whole story. "You're aware of KANG and his threat to destroy the world, correct? Well, it's all a lie. Sergio, a man who supposedly worked for him, made up the Reepel. He's been plotting against KANG! He plans to plant clone leaders of the richest countries on earth, and use them to steal all their countries gold, silver, and diamonds! After that, he'll detonate nuclear weapons in these nations capitols!" Felix looked at him in shock. "Has he made the switch yet?" Bond took the stand now. "No, He told us he has a base in Iceland, and we need to investigate it immediately!" Felix stuck his tongue in his cheek, then said. "Right! We better not go to HQ, I don't think I can trust them now. I have some friends who can help us!" The car pulled into a gas station, and the men got out. They walked in, and saw their old friend, Kamran Shah! He stood behind the counter, his turban wrapped around his head, and an AK-47 under the counter. Bon walked up to him, chuckled, and hugged Kamran. "How have you been, it's great to see you again!" Kamran said. "Ah yes, Bond, still working for MI6?" Bond then became serious. "We need your help...." A few hours later, after stopping at several gas stations, taxi services, and 7-11s, Kamran had rounded up all his old Mujahadeen fighters, and they were heading to the local St. Judas hospital. "Why are we going here?" Said Bond. The cars pulled up, and the Krew went in. Felix led them to the intensive care unit, they continued down the hall, then hanged a left. Everyone gasped at who they saw laying in that bed. It was Palicide, very badly burnt, but still alive. "We found your boy in the ruins of NASA. H should be okay in a few days." Palicide was wrapped from head to toe in bandages, his foot lay upright in a sling, and his arms each held out to the side like that chick from the Matrix doing that freeze-frame kick. His eyes opened, and he looked over at them. "Mpphh...hrmph...reph..." A small television next to him displayed the caption. "Where the hell have you guys been?" Irennie sat down on his bed, and hugged Palicide. His heart monitor skipped a beat... Outside, the Afghans stood outside waiting, when suddenly, the hospital bulged slightly. The all the windows exploded as a loud scream pierced the air. The all the cars within a 100 foot radius found their windows shattered, and car alarms throughout the parking lot screamed bloody murder. END OF CHAPTER 9!!!  
  
CH 10: An Angry Man, man! KANG's secret base KANG sat in his swivel chair, sweat pouring from his face. The REEPEL weapon was supposed to have gone off several hours ago. He had no money, and now had a vendetta with Major Sergio. "Gentlemen..." He began, "We have a problem. Major Sergio has betrayed us. you know what happens when someone betrays me! Number 2, Frau, you must find his secret base, then contact me. I'll send in reinforcements. At all costs, Sergio must die!" KANG pounded his fists against the desk. "Now, before we continue..." A black man walked up to KANG, and handed him a drink. Frau started talking. "Herr KANG, we don't know where to-" She was cut off by KANG jumping up, spitting out his drink and dumping the rest all over the waiter, who squealed in fear. "Damnit Dean! You know I get all farty and bloated after drinking a foamy latte!!" Dean wiped some of the latte off his face, then said. "Yes sir...I'm sorry!" KANG kept looking at him, then chuckled a little. KANG then turned back to Frau. "Yes Frau?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ on a boat in the North Atlantic ocean. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A large troop ship is sailing towards Iceland, all the while, Frau is narrating. "We know the Bond team has left Virginia, leaving one of their own in a hospital, ja? We can send a few of our more persuasive people there, and they can get the information from him, ja?" KANG then says. "cool!" Frau continues narrating. "I say we take up this opportunity before it is lost!"  
  
Bond then walked out onto the deck. Everything seemed like it was hued blue, like in all those war movies in Russia. You know, like in that movie Behind Enemy Lines, with Owen Wilson? Well, it's like that. (annoying, huh?) Bond pulled out a lighter, when he heard someone else say. "Can I have a light?" Bond turned around to see Smiley, holding a cigarette and an empty pack of matches. "I didn't know you smoked!" Smiley then said. "I quit 10 years ago, but all this stress has revived old habits." Bond tossed him the lighter. Smiley inhaled, and coughed loudly. "Uh...now I remember why I quit..." They were interrupted by a low rumble, louder than the engines normally made. They ran over to the side of the ship, and saw a titanic giant squid, we're talking Oprah big. It reared it's head, and threw itself into the side of the ship. Meanwhile, inside the cabins, Kail was laying in bed, snoring loudly. Irennie lay in the other bed, with another pillow over her head, trying to block out the noise. The ship shook roughly, sending Irennie onto the floor, jarring her awake. Kail continued snoring. Another hard impact send Kail onto the floor, still asleep. Then another hit threw the telephone of the receiver, hitting Kail in the head. "Oww!!" He shot up, and hardly had time to react, as the giant squid swam up along side their cabin, and put it's eye next to the glass. Irennie looked at the window, and stuttered. "It's a...It's a...it's a..." Kail looked up at Irennie, then said. "what?" She grabbed his head and twisted it towards the window. "Oh, it's just a giant squid!" They both sighed and got back in bed, and he turned off the light. A second later, two eyes opened up, cartoon, style, and said. "Giant squid?!" The light clicked on, and the squid roared. Kail and Irennie screamed, and ran out of the room. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At Pali's hospital ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Palicide lay in his bed, several get well cards and flowers and chocolates sat beside him. He had just had the body cast removed, all that remained was a cast on his leg, a bandage around his head, and a few IV tubes in his arms. He turned on the TV to HBO. Vanilla Sky was on, so he changed it to Cinamax. It was showing erotic cable porn. Ha changed the channel again, and started watching Saturday Night Live. Near the final credits, while the Dave Mathews band played, 3 woman with big breasts and wearing tight black leather burst in. They all stood around Palicide at the same time, and said. "Hello Mr. Palicide." He grinned and said. "Hello indeed..." Then the one in the middle said. "We are hot big breasted chicks..." He rolled his eyes and said. "I see that!" Then she said. "If you tell us the location of your friends, then we're willing to give you erotic pleasure." Palicide thought for a moment. "It's been sooooo long....but, if I sell out the guys....oh, why can't they just take money?!" He thought. He looked at them, then said. "Ladies..." END OF CHAPTER 10!!!  
  
CH 11: Buh Buh Buuuuuuh! At the hospitable hospital "I'm afraid I'll have to decline. I don't do sluts." They all looked at him, then at each other. "Too bad..." Suddenly, nozzles came out of their breasts, and pink smoke came out. Palicide held his breath for as long as he could, but gasped the pink smokey stuff and passed out. (how original.) Meanwhile, in Sergio's base, Sergio sat at a control panel controlling his giant robot squid. He laughed maniacally, and everyone in the base starred at him. The squid rocked the boat left and right, and poked a hole in the hull. Bond, Smiley, and several Afghans stood on the deck, firing their guns in the water, trying to hit the squid. The bullets that did hit it bounced off it. Kail and Irennie burst through the door, dressed in their pajamas. Bond told them to get a gun and start shooting. Kail ran into the munitions locker and took a rocket launcher. He handed it to Irennie. She ran over to the side of the boat, and aimed at the squid. She pressed the fire button, and a rocket shot out the back, grazing the bridge of the boat. "Shit!" She cursed, and turned the rocket launcher around. The squid reared it's head out of the water, and Irennie took this as an opportunity to shoot. The rocket flew at the squid, and ricocheted off it's metallic hide. The rocket spun around a few times, then fell into the water. Kail, who watched the whole thing, then said. "You gotta be shittin' me!" Then Smiley had an idea. He ran up to a higher level, and activated one of the anti-aircraft guns. Before he could start firing, everything got quiet, and the squid swam underwater. A loud groan from the ships strained metal echoed throughout the ship. The ship shuddered slightly, and groaned some more. Then it dawned on them: The Sea Star is sinking. The Sea Star is basically an old ocean liner turned troop ship. It's 752 feet long, 76 feet wide, and is capable of making 21 knots. The squid put a gash in the forward port side, on the lowest area near the cargo hold. At the rate the water pours in, the Sea Star at this point has about an hour and a half. Back in KANG's base, Palicide lay strapped to a table of solid diamond. A large laser gun thing sat above him. KANG then walked in. "Hello Mr. Palicide! I'm glad my fembots got you. I need a favor." Palicide then said. "You'll never get anything out of me, you whacked out...OLD GUY!!" KANG ignored the remark, and continued. "You're looking at my quasi-futuristic laser. It's powerful enough to puncture a hole through The queen of England wearing all that make-up, and even cut diamonds. If you don't tell me where your friends are, then you'll say good-bye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in MI6!" Palicide gulped. "You...you wouldn't!!" KANG sighed, and said. "You're right, I won't." With that, Palicide's shackles were undone, and he got up. KANG turned to him. "How about this? Do you know where Sergio's base is?" Palicide looked him in the eye, and said. "maybe I do, and maybe I don't. If you give me that solid diamond table, I'll tell you." KANG pondered, then said. "Fine, you have a deal." Palicide thought about how great of a coffee table that will make. He smiled to himself, then said. "Sergio's base is in Iceland." KANG smirked, then snapped his fingers. Palicide was instantly transported to the ship with the others on it, and he was no longer in bandages and stuff. He looked around, then thought. "I thought KANG didn't know where they were..." He shrugged, and went to talk to Bond, when he suddenly realized that the boat was down 15° and taking on more water. He ran over to the bridge, where the rest of the guys were. He went inside, and everyone turned around, looking very surprised. Irennie and Pussy both giggled and ran over to him, and gave him a big bear hug. Bond interrupted the reunion. "The ship is sinking!" Smiley then said. "Okay, guys, we're 100 miles off the coast of Iceland, the water is freezing, and the boat will sink within an hour." Inside the Sea Star, in a forward compartment in starboard. An area where water had yet to flood in had several hydrogen tanks that sat against the wall. The boats angle had become to difficult to stand up in, and they fell over, one's top broke off, and a for a brief moment, a hissing sound was heard. Then a huge explosion ripped out the forward starboard. From the bridge, everyone saw a brilliant fireball fly into the air. Smiley redid his calculations, then said. "okay, we have about 35 minutes until the boat sinks. How are we supposed to get to Iceland now?" Irennie whimpered and grabbed Kail's shirt. "Any ideas?" Said Smiley. Everyone stood there silently, unbelieving that they had reached the end.... END OF CHAPTER 11..... CH 12: An Unexpected Ally. 100 miles off the coast of Iceland The Sea Star had 19 minutes left until she sank entirely. The whole bow section is submerged, and the ship is dipping at a 20° angel. Everyone stood inside the bridge, trying to come up with a way to save there skin. The boat would creak and moan every now and then. It was very much like Titanic, except more guns. The lifeboats were all damaged, destroyed, and torn off the boat, thanks to the giant squid. The Krew ran to the back of the boat. Bond stood near the rail and gripped it. Palicide looked at him and said, "James, this is where we first met..." Bond thought for a minute, then slowly said, "um, no. it isn't." ~~~~~~~~~~~ Sergio's base ~~~~~~~~~~~ Inside of Sergio's secret base in Iceland, in the prison cells, Reiker Teraku sat quietly on his cot, as one inept guard patrolled the hallway. The guard eventually left for a bathroom break, leaving him with a window of five minutes. Reiker jumped off the bed. He took off his watch and opened up the back. A small white string with a little plastic dropped out. He stuck it on the middle bar, then backed up and ducked behind the bed. He pressed a button on the watch, and the bars exploded, leaving a gaping hole in the bars. "Bang on time!" Quipped Reiker. He jumped through the bars, then heard the door start opening. He hid behind the opening door as the guard walked in, then grabbed him by his mouth and pulled him back. Reiker leaned into the guard and bit his jugular. He picked up the guard's key cards, his rifle, and the knife he had. Reiker looked around for an escape. He looked up, and found a ventilation shaft. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Back at the Sea Star ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The boat was now at a 45° angel, everyone held on for dear life to keep from falling down. Then, when all hope was lost, a jump ship pulled up alongside the stern of the ship. The door opened, and KANG leaned out, shouting. "Jump!" They all looked at each other, there was no time to argue. Smiley took a few steps back, shouted. "Alley ooop!" and jumped across the ship, everyone else came too, just as a water geyser burst through the planks. The jump ship pulled away, as the Sea Star went under water. Some more water shot out of the only smoke stack, as the ship slipped beneath the waves quietly. After the awe inspiring moment- Everyone then said. "awwwwwww." No, I said awe, A-W-E. "oooooooh!" That's better. Anyway, Bond then turned to KANG, and said. "Why did you help us?" KANG thought for a moment and said. "You know, that's a real good question..." Then Number 2 walked up behind him, and said. "uh, sir, you did this because you needed their help getting back at Sergio?" KANG then looked up, and said. "oh yeah! Well...um....what do you say?" The Krew looked at him in disbelief. This man was their arch-enemy for so long. He was the snake to their mongoose....or the mongoose to their snake...either way, it's bad. Kail then said. "....well...if we do help you, how do we know you won't kill us later?" Everyone started arguing, with KANG and Number 2 shouting and Bond, Kail, and Palicide shouting. Finally, Frau, who had been standing behind KANG, shouted. "SILENCE!!" And cracked her horse whip. KANG flinched and jumped away. "sorry! sorry!" He composed himself, then said. "We can do this if we work together! For now, we have a temporary truce." Bond thought, then said. "huddle!" The Krew all gathered together, and talked. "How do we know he's telling the truth?" "I say we trust him." "Why can't we all just get along?" "What choice do we have" They broke the huddle, and Bond said. "Alright KANG, you have a deal." The jump ship then pulled away towards Iceland, and to Sergio's base. END OF CHAPTER 12!!!!  
  
CH 13: A Costly Betrayal Outside Sergio's base, Iceland The jump ship was jam packed with people, you could compare it to putting the entire population of China on Rhode Island. They landed near Sergio's base a little after twilight. KANG had brought a small task force, but not as numerous as the Krew and the Afghans. "Before we go in, I have to relay a message." said KANG. He walked back inside the jump ship, and dialed up a number on the video phone. ~~~~~~~~~ somewhere ~~~~~~~~~ In a dark room, a mysterious figure sat in a chair, several guards stood around him. Suddenly, a ringing sound echoed throughout the room. The mystery man jumped in his chair-he had been sleeping- shouting. "Abandon ship! Abandon ship! Woman and emperors first!" A guard ran up to him, holding a phone. The emperor snatched it, then said. "WHAT??! oh....it's you....is everything going according to plan? Excellent...do what you want with the rest of them, but bring Teraku to me....alive." ~~~~~~~~~~~~ back in Iceland ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A plan was devised. The Afghans and some of KANG's men would launch the main assault, and the Krew, KANG, and a few of his men would sneak in the back door. After cracking the code to get in the back door, the Krew, or task force B, tip-toed towards the control center. Before Bond suggested that they split up. KANG, Smiley, Pussy and Irennie went one way, and Bond, Kail, and Palicide went another. Bond's group went down a dark hallway. They suddenly heard a faint noise. Bond whispered to Palicide. "check it." Palicide raised his gun, and crept forwards, and leaned out around a corner. He saw nothing, suddenly, a hand reached out and covered his mouth. Palicide grabbed the arm and flipped the person over his shoulder. Ha aimed his Luger at the person, then rolled his eyes and sighed. It was Reiker. "Where the hell have you guys been?" Bond ran up to him. "are you okay?" Reiker gave him a look that could kill, then said. "Of course I'm not okay! First I'm savagely attacked in my hotel room, gagged, bound, and dragged off onto an airplane! Then I'm pushed out of a cargo hatch and land in icy fucking water! Then I'm stuck in this shit cold place eating nothing but water and COLD ICY CHILI!!! ARRRGGGHHH!!!" Everyone cowered at his wrath. Meanwhile, in KANG's group, they had casually entered the control center, they all stopped short of the walking into view. Smiley wondered what his plan was. KANG led them a short distance closer, then shouted. "Spring the trap! NOW!" Before anyone could react, Smiley, Pussy, and Irennie were trapped in a laser grid, and their weapons sucked away by powerful magnets.  
  
KANG and Sergio walked up to each other and shook hands. Then Sergio walked up the laser cage. "Did you really think it would be that easy? You're much too difficult to kill." Smiley nodded his head slightly and said. "we aim to please." Meanwhile, Bond's group had gone up into a ventilation shaft, and crawled towards the central control area. KANG watched them on a computer monitor, and said. "time to raise the stakes a little." He pressed a button on the computer. Back inside the shaft, Kail heard a faint rumbling, and looked behind him. A torrent of water came rushing at them! Kail looked at it in despair, then sighed. He reached into his pocket, and pulled out a blindfold. He quickly tied it on and lit a cigarette. Moments later, the water rushed over them, launching them down the vent. The water threw them all the way to the end of the shaft, and towards a metal grate. Bond hit it first, then Palicide hit him, then Reiker hit him, then Kail hit them all, and knocked them through the grate and onto the floor of the control room. A laser cage dropped down on them, too. Outside Sergio's base, the Afghans fought ferociously against both KANG's and Sergio's troops. the 8 that remained were holed up in a snow bank, while the soldiers shelled them. They were running low on ammo. Kamran loaded the last rocket into the launcher, and aimed at the large satellite dish above the base. Before he fired, a bullet hit his arm, throwing off his aim, the rocket shot forwards and went through a window. This was the window to the control center. The rocket continued on a crash course towards the mainframe. Sergio turned around, and his eyes widened as the rocket hit him dead on in the stomach, throwing him at the mainframe, and then exploding. All the prisoners shielded their eyes from the explosion, then Bond stood up, and said. "That's a sure fire way to take care of something!" But they still had another problem, escaping, for KANG still lived, and the rest of the Afghans were slaughtered. END OF CHAPTER 13!!!  
  
CH 14: Surprise!! Sergio's base, Iceland Bond and company stood in their electro-laser grid cells. KANG then approached them. "So Mr. Bond, how would you like to meet the emperor?" Then, the guards all pulled out stun guns. "wait!" shouted Kail. "So you mean, Sergio and you were in cahoots all along? this was just a set-up?" KANG grinned broadly and said. "Very good John, I see you've done your homework." With that, the troops fired they're stun guns. Palicide was the first to awaken, he quickly took in his surroundings. They all hung upside down above a tank of water. "Figures." he thought. Shortly thereafter, the others came to, too. KANG walked in, stroking a small Grey kitten. KANG and his troops all stood around the tank, and he shouted. "Make way for the emperor!" The Krew all looked up (or down) at this. A man in dark blue robes came walking down the stairs, as the imperial march plays in the background. Everyone quivers in fear, the emperor looked up at them, then took another step. his foot got caught in the robes, and a loud ripping sound filled the room. He tripped over the robe, and fell face forwards down the stairs, rolling and tumbling, shouting in agony. When he hit the ground, several men gathered around him, and a woman in red ran up. "Hello, I'm Carol Allred, and I'm a lawyer." With that, all the guards ran away quickly, before they could be blamed. The emperor staggered up, and took a few unsteady steps torwards the Krew, before tripping again. He landed right on his face. Smiley turned his face away at the loud smacking sound. The Emperor quickly jumped up, and shouted. "I'm okay!!" He carefully went over to KANG, and looked up at the dangling Krew. His gaze then landed on Reiker. Reiker met his gaze. "Do you know who I am?" said the emperor. Teraku thought for a moment, then said. "The Emperor?" Everyone sweat dropped. The Emperor continued staring. "Reiker..." He took a few deep breathes. "I am your father." Reiker looked at him in shock, then said. "Really?" The Emperor then relaxed his muscles and said. "No, not really." Reiker nodded his head, and said. "Right...idiot.....yes..." The Emperor then looked back up and said. "I'm actually your father's brother's son's cousin's uncle's former room mate!" With that, The Emperor's face twisted and contorted, as his true form appeared. Teraku thought for a moment, then said. "Well what does that make us?" The Emperor shouted. "ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!! Which is what you are about to become! Release the SHARKS!!" KANG then leaned over to the Emperor and whispered. "Uh...sir....we couldn't get any sharks." The Emperor looked at him in anger, then said in a stifled yell. "Well what do we have?!" KANG smirked like he had something great, and said, while waving his hand. "River Trout!" The Emperor just starred at him in a dumbfounded stupor. ".....riiiiiiiiiight..." KANG then said, trying to save himself. "Mutated, river trout!" The Emperor pondered, then said. "are they ill tempered?" KANG grinned triumphantly, and said. "Of course!" The Emperor shrugged his shoulders, then turned back to the Krew. "Now then, would you like me to..." He stopped his sentence short, as the only thing still hanging was the shackles, and a note attached to one of them. "poof." The Emperor's eye twitched a little, and he stiffled another scream. Then walked away, shouting. "FIND THEM!!!" The Krew silently crept through a hallway, and ducked into the bathroom. "We have to get a signal out to M!" Exclaimed Kail. Everyone pondered. Reiker stuck his hand in his pocket, then pulled out a small package. "Guys, I still have my homing pill!!" Irennie jumped for joy and kissed him passionately on the lips. Reiker's eyes widened, as did Kail's. He twitched in anger, then twisted his head to the left. Kail tapped Reiker on the shoulder. He turned around and in an instant was hit in the jaw with more power than dropping Rosie O'Donnell on a person from the top of the Empire State Building. Reiker swiveled around and fell onto the floor, and said with much difficulty. "Mommy....I don't want to go to school today, I want to stay home and bake cookies with you!" Kail snatched the pill out of his hand. He took it out of the packet, then turned around and stuffed it in Palicide's mouth, and covered his mouth and nose until he swallowed. Palicide ate the pill whole and gasped for breath. Kail then shouted loudly. "I can't believe I flew ten-thousand miles for this SHIT!!" ~~~~~~~~~~ Back at MI6 ~~~~~~~~~~ MoneyPenny sat at her desk, an empty box of tissues on her right, and a half full bottle of vodka. It had been three days since Bond and Co. have reported in. M, the Minister of Defense, and Tanner all were having a huge meeting inside the situations room. The radar behind them beeped slowly as it constantly updated itself. MoneyPenny staggered in, smashed like a Russian after the Christmas party. Her feet both pointed inward, and her hair a mess. She vomited on the floor, and then looked up at the radar. A new signal suddenly appeared, a homing signal. The blip appeared near the Canary Islands. M looked at it in shock, the Minister sighed in relief, and Tanner shouted in victory, everyone threw their paper work in the air and shouted happily, and Moneypenny cried joyously, before puking on the floor again. "Ewwwwww...." said everyone. END OF CHAPTER 14!!  
  
CH 15: title pending KANG's Secret lair (sigh...again) near the Canary Islands The Krew were quick to locate the communications room. They new that MI6, and possibly the CIA, had picked up the homing signal, but wanted to give them a specific message. They peaked through the small window in the door. Three men stood in there, all wearing what everyone else was, flamboyantly outrageous yellow jumpsuits. Bond turned to the rest. "Okay guys, we need to go incognito." Everyone looked down at the floor in heavy thought. Bond sighed and said. "That's camouflage." Then Reiker had an idea. He took a few steps back and used his genetic alternator to change his suit into a one of the yellow jumpsuits. You see, all the Yorken people that have taken on human forms, including KANG, the emperor, and many of the guards in the building. These devices are small, can be worn on the wrist, strapped to the chest, or implanted on the back of the neck. In Reiker's case, it looked like a conventional wrist watch. "Hey, I can use my genetic alternator to dress like them, but I may have trouble taking them all down." As if sent by God, two inept soldiers, busily talking about what was going on, came around the corner and quickly met the fists of Palicide and Bond. Irennie and Kail put on the suits (Bond and Palicide were to big for them) and walked in with Reiker. John and Reiker both stood over next to the transmitter, while Irennie stood over next to a man who was standing alone on the opposite wall, checking off various things. Before he could look up, she punched him in the face, and the other two were running over to subdue her. She finished off the first guy and kicked the second in the head. He was thrown backwards and almost crashed into Kail, who grabbed him, and punched him across the face. The third was easily knocked unconcious. Bond sat working away on the transmission. Kail ran up to Irennie and said. "Where did you learn to fight like that?!" She smiled, while dragging a body into the closet, and said "I spent 10 years living in Israel, I had to learn." Bond stood up and said, happily. "Message away!" Then said with less enthusiasm. "I hope...Kail, the signal to MI6 was 24.14.10, right?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A McDonald's in Florida ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Hello, you have reached McDonald's, this is Mike Prechtel speaking, how may I help you?" A voice on the other line said. "M...send the royal navy out to these coordinates, we'll give them a signal on when to attack. over." Mike looked at the phone confuzzled, and said. "Uh...would you like fries with that?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~ KANG's base ~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Krew ran down a spiral stair case that led to the basement. Alarms screamed aloud. "Eee-ooo-eee-ooo-eee-ooo-eee-ooo..." The Krew came to a door, with a large writing in Spanish on it. "Columbus wuz here." They all shrugged. On the other side of the door, many mutilated creatures, still alive, sat in cages, moaning, and roaring horrible inhuman roars. The Krew all heard the most frightening sound ever, just as they busted open the door. They all stared in shock, there were chickens without feathers, legless dogs, skinless snakes, and in the back of the room, a large best hidden in the shadows. They all slowly, and quietly, walked out. They quickly but carefully closed the door, looked at each other, and then ran away, screaming. During the confusion, Reiker became separated from the group. He ran through a long hallway, and darted around a corner, smacking into KANG. KANG grabbed him by the throat, and lifted him up. "Where are the rest of your friends?!" Reiker gagged, and spit on KANG's face. "I'll never tell!!" KANG sneared, and crushed Reiker's neck. crunching the bones and his wind pipe. KANG threw him against the wall and shouted to his troops. "Tear this place apart until you've found them! Bring me the Krew, I WANT THEM ALIVE!!!" END OF CHAPTER 15!!!!!  
  
CH 16: The blah-blah KANG's secret base, Canary islands. The Royal navy assembled around the coast of portugal, as Admiral Hardgrieves briefed al the soldiers from his command post of the aircraft carrier H.M.S. Titanic. His voice echoed throughout his ship and all the others. (Through a P.A. system, sillies.) "Uh....testing....1 2 3....testing....How do you work this damn thing?! I don-" The soldiers all waited impatiently. "-goddamned green button?! Screw you Margaret! SCREW YOU!!! er...ahem! attention all, we will lay siege to KANG's base in twenty minutes, and counting." ~~~~~~~~~~ The Krew ~~~~~~~~~~ The remaining (counts on fingers) 6 walked silently through a small hallway. KANG's voice could be heard ranting on about free economy and better lifestyles. Bond, Kail, and Palicide were armed with UZI 9mm submachine guns. The people they had beaten up were carrying those. These weapons are standard issue for KANG's troops here. Irennie has a tazer, which she always kept hidden inside a secret compartment in her shoe. (She wears BIG shoes) They stopped infront of the conference room door, and prepared to barge in. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Somewhere else ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Reiker sat up, and rubbed his neck. His recovery abilities had once again saved his life. His vision was partially impaired, but he could see enough to stager into the very dangerous and off limits room. The room with the things you don't want to ever see. ever. Suddenly, the lights cut off, and a rustling sound signaled that he wasn't alone. Reiker spun around, and something in the shadows ran behind him. His vision had finally restored itself, and he could see a human like silhouette in front of a blue light. "Hello?" Another low pitched growl frightened him even more. "Is anybody there?!" He took a few more steps, and saw it was just a plastic dummy. "Phew..." Suddenly, the lights all cut off, and the door slammed. He fumbled for his whisky flask and a match. He lit the match, and suddenly a claw shot across his back. He fell to his knees. "I was supposed to die in France...." He thought and lifted the flask up to his face. "I never even saw France..." He took a large swig, lifted the match to his face, and spit out the whisky at the match. It lit up the room just long enough to reveal the many things about to kill him.... ~~~~~~~~~~ The team ~~~~~~~~~~ Bond and the rest burst through the door, firing their machine guns. By the time they realized nobody was even in there, they had wasted all of their ammunition. A tape recorder sat on a desk, which then said. "Hello James, you've got 30 seconds...." Everyone's eyes widened, and the door behind them slammed shut. They ran to the opposite side of the room. A large window with a panoramic view of the ocean was they only way to escape. "15 second Mr. Bond...." They looked out the window. No rocks lay beneath them. Kail took a step back, and grabbed Irennie's hand. "nononono!!! You are not going to juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuump!!" She sustained the scream as they fell to the water. All the others jumped with them, and a fireball shot out of the window. Chunks of building fell towards the water. Smiley swam up to the surface, gasping for breath. Suddenly, A hand shot out to him and pulled him out of the water. "Felix? What the hell took you so long?!" END OF CHAPTER 16!!!!  
  
CH 17: zip-pip and a dinga-doo In the H.M.S. Titanic "Bond! It's about damn time you showed up! The ministry has been in a complete uproar! What the bloody hell is going on?!" Bond rolled his eyes and said. "It's great to see you too, M." They stood in the command room, as the fleet prepared to bombard KANG's island base. "The attack will commence in 1 minute...and counting." Smiley looked around the room, and then noticed something. "Hey...guys? Where's Reiker...and...Pussy?" He looked around. Then back at the island. "oh shit..." He turned to the others. "Guys! Pussy is still out there! We have to save her!" Admiral Hardgrieves stepped forward. "No way! We have orders to blow that place up!" "But we have to save her!" Exclaimed Palicide. "Give us an hour!" Added Kail. The admiral defended himself. "Look guys, this comes from the top--" "-thirty minutes then!" Said Smiley. Hardgrieves let out a loud sigh. "The P.M. will have my ass for this....forty-five minutes, and that's all!" The four men got into a small transport. Irennie ran up to Kail and gave him a big kiss. "Try not do anything stupid....like getting yourself killed!" Admiral Hardgrieves watched them ride off, then heard the guy with the thick Austrian accent say. "10 seconds...and counting..." Hardgrieves nearly defecated in his pants. He jumped at the guy and tackled him to the ground. He grabbed the intercom and shouted. "ATTACK POSTPONED!! WILL OCCUR NOW IN FORTY FIVE MINUTES...." Then he said in his best Austrian accent. "....and counting..." Irennie looked out the window, glanced up to think, then snuck past the men in the room and made her way to the armory.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Inside KANG's base ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pussy crept into another room. A man stood facing away from her, whistling. She picked up a steel pole and hit him in the back. She made her way into yet another room. She snuck up behind another man, and shouted. "JUDO...CHOP!!!" And backhanded him on the back of the neck. She smirked at her handy work, and decided it was a good time to flick her hair. She picked up the man's Luger. Suddenly, the door behind her hissed open, and three men ran through. "Set your weapon to stun!" Shouted one. Pussy jumped behind a crate and shot one of them in the head. The second guy fired his rifle, a purple beam of energy shot out and hit Pussy in the middle of her forehead. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The rescue party ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bond and his team pulled out there grappling guns. They aimed up and fired. High tension lines attached to a grappling hook flew upwards, and hooked onto a rock above. They pulled the trigger again on their weapons, and it the grappling pistols pulled them up. They rose up past several windows, including a bathroom window. The four stopped at this one. They heard a faint and strained groaning, and deep raspy breaths. Suddenly they heard the Emperor shout. "PUPPY BISCUITS!!" And a loud ear shattering and extremely wet fart erupted from the wall. The window shattered and the powerful blast of wind blew the squad backwards, flipped them up and around, and landing them on the roof. They all lay on their backs, not sure what had just happened. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The control center ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Sir, the royal navy is about to put a cap in our asses. perhaps you should leave?" Said Number 3. "What? In our moment of victory? I think you seriously over estimate their chances." KANG said, while spinning the spinner on a twister board game. "Left foot on green!" He shouted. KANG, Frau, and a few others all stuck their left foot on green.  
  
As the rescue party rush to rescue Pussy Galore, Admiral Hardgrieves is trying hard to post-pone the strike. What is KANG up to? Why is he in such a light-hearted mood? And what the hell is Irennie up to?! find out, on the next exciting episode of James Bond Three!! END OF CHAPTER 17!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
CH 18: The Stealth Ninja Cricket! KANG's Base The rescue party walked across the roof of the fortress. They came upon a skylight. The four knelt down next to it and peaked in. KANG stood in front of a large rally of his legions. He gave a large and elaborate briefing, but the team couldn't hear what he was saying. They all leaned on top of the glass and pressed their ears against it. His voice was barely audible. The only other sound was the creaking of glass. A crack darted across the skylight, and more after that. Palicide's eyes widened. "Guys....don't move...." They all held perfectly still, suddenly, a small butterfly flew up to them. Kail's eyes widened. He had an uncontrollable and unreasonable fear of butterflies. "Shoo! Shoo!" He shouted in an anxious whisper. Suddenly, it fluttered up to him and landed on his nose. Bond said carefully, "John....don't move....that's a rare Portuguese man-eating butterfly..." Smiley looked down at the weakening glass, then at Bond. "Fucking what?! Man eating butterfly! That thing is a puny, insignificant, crap moocher shit turd!" Kail finally freaked out and shouted. "GOD GET IT OFF ME!!!" He slammed his face against the glass, shattering his nose, the butterfly, and the glass. Chunks of window fell down and hit KANG. He grabbed his head in pain. "OWWW! Where the hel-" He was cut off by The teams screaming as they all through the window, landing on KANG. He was shot through the floor into the basement. and the Krew fell through with him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Inside the H.M.S. Titanic ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Irennie laughed maniacally as she climbed into the cockpit of the state-of- the-art Warwalker XK5000. Suddenly, a big bulky black guy ran up to the feet of the vehicle and pointed a gun at her. "Ma'am, get out of the warwalker! Now!" She looked at him, while putting on the helmet, and said. "Do you really want to shoot me?" He put down his pistol and sighed. "No ma'am...." She smiled. The cockpit cabin glass thingy closed down, and she quickly said to him. "Just tell them I hit you!" The guy made a 'huh?' face. She then activated boosters and jetted out the hanger. "Hang on guys! I'm coming!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~ KANG's Base ~~~~~~~~~~~~ KANG quickly kicked everyone off him and looked around. He grinned maliciously. KANG ran for the door and hit a green button on the wall, causing a large metal grate to close behind him. Several lights came on. Bond and the other three drew their pistols and got into a circle. KANG ran up the many flights of stairs, huffing and puffing. He reached the main command room and stood over the gapping hole. "Well, Mr. Bond. I had planned on killing you a different way, but this will have to do. RELEASE THE STEALTH NINJA CRICKETS!!!" KANG shouted. Several doors slid open, and four huge creatures came walking out. They were eight feet tall, and the creatures let out loud ear piercing chirps. They walked into the light, revealing that they are giant cricket things! KANG smirked evilly. "Good luck, Mr. Bond. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go swat down a bothersome fly!" Palicide aimed his pistol at one of the crickets, and said, without taking his eyes off the creature. "Okay guys, any ideas?" Smiley exhaled sharply, unsure what to do about anything. Kail shook with fear, and emptied the clip of his falcon 2 into a ninja cricket. The bullets bounced off it's tough exoskeleton. Suddenly, the crickets all became invisible. Palicide lowered his pistol and scoffed incredulously. "You gotta be fucking kidding..." They all threw down their pistols. Then something caught Smiley's eye, four swords lay in a corner, blood stained and used. "Guys...quick...over there, swords! We can use them!!" They ran over to the swords, the crickets chased after them, their footsteps being the only sign of their pursuit. The four grabbed the swords and took a fighting stance. "BRING IT ON YOU BASTARD CRICKET FREAKS!!" Shouted Kail. END OF CHAPTER 18!!!!  
  
CH 19: Sudden Death The basement of KANG's Island base  
The four stood back-to-back, ready to take on anything that came near them. The crickets circled them, their cloaking device giving them a predator-like invisibility. Palicide closed his eyes. "What will we do?" He thought to himself, "It's going to take a helluva miracle to get us out of this one." Suddenly, the crickets began their blitzkrieg. Palicide opened his eyes and shouted, "NOW!" Bond, Kail, and Smiley hit the ground as Palicide did a 180° and threw his sword with carefully timed precision. The cricket ran directly into the sword, slicing through it like a hot knife through lukewarm butter. You know, when it's warm, but not quite melted yet. sorta soggy, kinda hard.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Someplace over the ocean ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Irennie jetted across the ocean in the warwalker. The two legged battle vehicle had transformed into it's jet fighter form--the pride of the British Navy--but it's not quite finished. She giggled wildly as the vehicle rocketed across the placid ocean. KANG's base rapidly approached her view screen. "I'm almost there guys," she said. Abruptly, a missile shot right past her, clipping the left wing. "Holy fuck!" She screamed. #3 grinned evilly from inside the jet he was piloting. He locked on another missile, and flipped up the cover for the launch button. "See you in hell..." Irennie banked hard to the right and came very close the water. She accelerated to full speed and aimed at his rocket. She fired her machine guns. The bullets ripped into the missile and detonated it. She flew through the explosive display and surprised #3 with an unguided rocket. He did a barrel roll, but wasn't completely successful. The rocket hit the back of his jet, blowing off the engine. His jet plummeted towards the ocean. He pounded the eject button but was too late. He was engulfed in flames as his plane exploded. Irennie laughed sinisterly. And looked up just in time to see the wall of the fortress greet her head on. "Oh sh-" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The cricket battle ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Palicide pulled two Lugers out of his hip holsters. Kail had taken Smiley's other sword and engaged two crickets at once. Bond fended off the third cricket. Smiley was busily messing with the door panel while Bond defended him. He pulled out two wires and slowly brought them together. A short spark electricuted him and sent him flying into the wall. "YEOOOOOOOOOOW!" Suddenly, a deep rumbling was heard, and the cricket Bond was fighting turned around in surprise. Irennie's jet walker burst through the wall and splattered the cricket all over her windshield. She climbed out and fell to the ground. Kail looked at her for a split second. "Irennie!" He shouted. Bond jumped up and helped Kail fight the two crickets. Palicide stood several feet away from the intense battle, trying to get in a shot without hitting the good guys. Kail swung upwards at one cricket, and sliced it's hard exoskeleton arm off. He firmly planted both his swords in the ground. He lifted up off them with his arms and kicked the cricket square in the chest. It staggered backwards and Palicide was able to get in his shots. Recalling his days in college taking advanced biology, his teacher had told them, right before the nice men in the white suits came for him, "REMEMBER CLASS, THE STEALTH NINJA CRICKET'S WEAK SPOT IS IN THE BACK OF IT'S NECK!! YOU'LL THANK ME FOR THIS!!!" Palicide aimed carefully and pumped the crickets neck full of led. The bullets passed right through it and the head tumbled off it's shoulders. The cricket fell to the ground with a sickening 'thud!' Kail pulled his swords out of the ground cornered the last frightened cricket with Bond. He chopped off the arms and then stabbed it through the heart. It screeched in pain. He left his swords in it's chest and allowed Bond to give it the guillotine finishing move. Kail ran over to Irennie and held her. He exclaimed, "Irennie! Are you alright?" She coughed and looked at him. She smiled sweetly, then slapped him. "Fuck no! I JUST PLOWED THROUGH TWENTY FEET OF CONCRETE! HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?!" End of Chapter 19!!  
  
CH 20: Operation: Cold-Fusion KANG's Island lair  
"Got it!" Shouted smiley. The large door's hydraulics hissed and opened to allow the Krew passage into KANG's base. The situation had escalated into something far worse. Apparently KANG had something in store for her majesty's navy, and they were the only one's in between KANG and world domination. Palicide held both his Luger's, ready to shoot anything that moves. They quickly made their way upstairs to see just what KANG was up to. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ central room ~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
"Ladies and Gentlemen, soon you shall see the world reshaped before your very eyes, but first, let me tell you about Operation: cold-fusion..." As the Krew came closer to the briefing room, KANG's voice grew louder, and his message, more powerful. "...The weapon we recovered from the bottom of the ocean, the Proton Decelerator..." Bond's eyes widened at the horrifying thought that KANG had control of this weapon. The weapon he and Kail had worked so hard to destroy, many people lost their lives in that ordeal. "....was too badly damaged to operate on it's on. We replaced it's fission generator with a cold-fusion power core, hidden deep within this very base. Very soon, the world will be controlled-not by multiple disagreeing nations- but by one group of investors who helped me make this possible. You shall control the world. But, due to a security breach, all time tables have been moved up. Operation: Cold-fusion, has begun."  
KANG stepped down from the podium, and Frau Farbissina stepped up. "FREE FIESTA BAR!" Was all she had to say before dozens of fat investors ran into the cafeteria for some intense Mexican food. Kail pulled out his micro-camera. He watched KANG exit through a different door. "That's our ticket, let's go." The empty conference room posed no challenge. As they passed the large television screen, some text caught Irennie's eye. "Guys...look." She pointed apathetically at the screen. It had a simple countdown, just past ten minutes. It may have been a few simple numbers, but it was more than enough to frighten out Krew, and show them how little time they had. ~~~~~~~~~~~H.M.S. Titanic~~~~~~~~~~~  
Admiral Hardgrieves stared at their own countdown until the attack began. "Ten bloody minutes....Bond, you better hurry up." The lieutenant with him pulled out a pack of cigarettes. Hardgrieves turned around. "I'll light you up." He pulled out a gun lighter. The lieutenant ran away screaming, "He's got a gun! run for your lives!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~the Krew~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Our heroes walked up to the door that KANG had gone through. Palicide and Smiley exchanged glances. They both kicked the door. It fell down and they all ran in with their guns raised. "Freeze!" yelled Bond. Pussy Galore sat in front of a TV with Frau Farbissina playng "Nightfire" on the GameCube. Smiley lowered his weapon and said, "This is no time for games! Let's go!" Suddenly, Frau Farbissina disappeared. END OF CHAPTER 20!!  
  
CH 21: Help from "B" KANG's base  
The Krew walked down a long hallway, Bond leading the way. "When we reach the core, you all stop the Proton Decelerator, I'll take care of KANG." Palicide grew increasingly nervous. "But James, you can't take him alone! You'll need back-up!" Kail added to this statement with, "Damn Straight, that jive-turkey is one hooked up mofo. The behotches can take the ride down with a 6-foot 7. We's gonna put a cap in his white ass!" Before Bond could figure out what the hell Kail had said, a bullet hit the wall next to them, and a second one hit Kail right in his chest. He gasped, and fell to the ground. James turned around and saw him lying on the ground. "No! John, are you okay?!" Kail sat up and reached inside his shirt and pulled out the hidden transmitter in a pack of cigarettes. "I never thought that a cigarette would save my life!" Bond quickly covered up his concern with cold wit, "you sound like a commercial..." Then another bullet shot past them. Bond saw KANG standing upstairs way across the room. He took cover and fired a few shots from his Walther. KANG laughed evilly and ran to the next room, shouting, "Nothing can stop Operation: Cold-Fusion Mr. Bond, not even my own death!" Irennie and Pussy sat at a terminal in the room. Smiley stood with them. "You guys go on, I'm going to help them disable the Proton Decelerator!"  
Bond, Kail, and Palicide ran upstairs and into the next room. "All right KANG, give up, you're surrounded!" yelled Palicide. He put his pinky to his lip and said, "Really?" Then Frau Farbissina jumped down from the ceiling in front of him, did several karate yells and struck a combat pose infront of them. Kail raised one eyebrow, and then did likewise with his Falcon 2, and shot her. KANG screamed in exasperation. "No fair! You can't just do that!" He then struck a combat pose of his own. He charged at them, but a second later, a whistling sound followed closely by an explosion disrupted the fight. The ceiling caved in in front of them and cut them off from KANG. He yelled through the rubble. "Nice try Mr. Bond, but this time...you lose!" They heard KANG's footsteps as he ran off and through the door. The Krew ran back down the way they came and back to Smiley, Irennie, and Pussy. Pussy yelled to them, "What's going on?! We heard an explosion!" "The Royal Navy has begun the assault, we must get out of here!" Irennie yelled from her terminal. "You guys! I know where the Proton Decelerator is!" They all ran over to her and looked at the monitor. She pointed at a large map. "Look, there is a tunnel that runs directly underneath the base towards the weapon, we must hurry!" Another explosion rocked the base, and the lights flickered. ~~~~~~~H.M.S. Titanic~~~~~~~~~~~ Admiral Hardgrieves watched several cannon shells ravage the distant base. One of the large spires collapsed in a huge dust ball. "Hold your fire! Begin the land assault!" Suddenly, a man in a pair of Jeans and a wrestling T-shirt with a white lab coat over it walked up behind him, and said. "Send me with them, They're going to need my help." Admiral Hardgrieves turned around and said, "You might be useful in the office, but you're no field operative." The man punched Hardgrieves in the throat and restated himself, "Get me out there now god damn it!" ~~~~~~~KANG's base~~~~~~~~~~~~  
The Krew finally found all of KANG's hidden guards near the entrance to the underground tunnel. Kail picked a machine gun off a fallen soldier. "We're never going to reach him in time!" Just then, a loud explosion blew a hole in the wall away from them, and several commandos came through. The commandos and KANG's guards engaged in a huge firefight. Admiral Hardgrieves came over to Bond and the others. "Admiral Hardgrieves at your service, and..." He turned around, and B walked through the hole. He walked up to the Krew. Bond turned to him, "B! Glad you're here, we need you're help-" He interrupted them, "-to get to the Proton Decelerator? I'm way ahead of you." Kail made a quizzical expression. "But...how did you know that he had the Proton Decelerator..?" B shrugged and said, "I'm paid to know." Palicide broke the uncomfortable silence, "What did you bring for us?" B grinned proudly and pressed a button on his wristwatch. The Aston Martin V12 Vanquish burst through the wall, missing the other opening. "I've added some special modifications to it. He reached inside and pressed a button. The tires retracted and the car hovered on thin air. "This vehicle has been modified with next generation hovercraft technology. You'll need it to get through the monorail tunnel." Kail started to ask how he knew it was a monorail, but decided not to. "...This one I'm particularly proud of..." B pointed to another button on the consol. "Press this, and the car will transform into the submarine form! Another new modification..." He reached into the car and pressed a button, a laser shot out of the fog light and went straight through the head of a guard that had been sneaking up on them. "These lasers are very powerful, but drain heavily on the car battery, if you use them too often, the lasers will overheat and meltdown." Bond climbed into the driver seat, and admired all the new gadgets. He transformed the car back into the hovercraft form. B acted like he was going to get into the car, but Bond caught him. "B, you're one hell of a field operative. See you in London." Bond drove off with the rest of the men, leaving the women, B, and Admiral Hardgrieves standing there. B headed for the exit and said "we shall see..." END OF CHAPTER 21!!!  
  
CH 22: Final Rush The under water tunnel  
The Aston Martin rounded another corner of the tunnel. Alarms wailed and distant explosions could be heard. The lights flickered every time something exploded. "Look, KANG isn't too far away." said Bond. The radar screen on the dashboard displayed a green blip about two miles ahead of them, and 30 miles ahead of the blip, the Proton Decelerator sat in the underground base. "We've got to beat him to the laser!" Said Kail. Up ahead, the tunnel forked in two different directions. One path was blocked off with a huge road block. Kail looked at it, then said, "Man, who has time to guard the entrance to another tunnel when KANG is about to cause mass destruction?" Everyone looked back at him, then back at the block. Bond lifted up the glove compartment and flipped a switch. The front grill of the car separated and two heavy S-T-S missiles fired at the block. All the guards burst into flames and one fell on the windshield, screaming, "Oh GOD PUT IT OUT, PUT IT OUT!!!" Palicide, feeling somewhat sorry for the man, reached over Bond's lap and turned on the windshield washers. The guard pulled a mask off, revealing The clone of KANG, mini-KANG! "I will kill you all!!" he yelled. Kail raised his pistol to shoot Mini-KANG, but Smiley wrestled the gun out of his hand. "That's bullet-proof glass, dumb ass!" Mini-KANG climbed on top of the car. "I'll get him." said Smiley. Smiley climbed out the window, he looked ahead and rolled on top of the car before he was hit by a "slow pedestrian" sign. Mini-KANG and Smiley both stared each other down. Mini-KANG struck first, lashing out with his dagger. He cut Smiley's leg. Smiley grabbed Mini-KANG and head-butted him. Bond saw the tunnel get much more shorter and narrower about 1 mile away. He thought for a moment, then looked over at Palicide in the passenger seat. 'the passenger seat...' James thought. then he looked at the red switch underneath a black cover. "Jacque!" James said, "get out of that seat, hurry!" James leaned out his window and looked up at the two fighters. Smiley stood over James' seat, and Mini-KANG over the Palicide's former seat. "Smiley, get down!" yelled James. Smiley looked ahead, then dropped down. Mini-KANG looked at the rapidly approaching low roof, and ducked. He chuckled, "Is that the best you can do?!" James then said, while flipping the switch, "no, this is..." The roof of the Aston Martin opened up, and the passenger seat shot up before Mini-KANG could react, and smacked him up against the roof. Smiley watched his body tumble down the road, then stop. He climbed back in the car through the hole in the roof before Bond closed it. "smashing." said James. The tunnel widened again. Another explosion was felt far behind them. The lights flickered and shut off entirely. Bond turned on the headlights. Up ahead, the blast doors were closing. "Floor it James!!" yelled Palicide. The car accelerated to maximum speed. Bond flipped another switch, and the car turned over onto it's side. They barely slipped through the doors. Back at Mini-KANG, he sat up, badly injured. He pulled out a cell phone. "KANG, KANG...I failed, they're heading your way." he said. KANG replied coldly, "I will not tolerate failure. Don't come back." The phone connection was disrupted. Mini-KANG turned around just in time to see a massive wall of water rushing at him at top speed. "...oh shit." The water shot over him and crashed against the blast door. It stopped for know, but pushed heavily against it. It won't hold for long. END OF CHAPTER 22!!!  
  
CH 23: Turn of Events KANG's secret underground base  
The blip on the screen came to a sudden stop ahead of them, about 5 miles ahead. Kail said the to the rest of them, "get ready guys, this'll be intense." The Aston Marin entered a spacious room. Two gigantic doors ahead of them hissed and opened. The car jetted through and the doors abruptly slammed shut. They all got out of the car. Bond turned to the rest of them, "Smiley and I will try to stop the Proton Decelerator, John, Palicide, you stop KANG. I'll get with you as soon as I can." The four split up. Bond and Smiley ran up a spiral staircase. At the top of the stairs, they reached a catwalk, overlooking the entire arena. A huge satellite dish aimed at the roof, and masses of people gathered around a stand. KANG stood in the middle, preaching about the new world and new opportunities. "Bond, you go look for the control panel, I'll see if I can't stop the dish directly." whispered Smiley. Bond snuck over to a terminal on the left side of the room. He looked at the keyboard. "Where's Irennie when you need her..." He mumbled. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ H.M.S. Titanic ~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Admiral Hardgrieves stood overlooking the crumbling base. One of the lieutenants approached him. "Sir, message from Parliament. They say to destroy the Proton Decelerator with a nuclear strike." Admiral Hardgrieves flagged away the man, and said, "Thank you Corporal." The lieutenant replied, "It's Kyle." Hardgrieves looked at him. "You called me Corporal, my name is Kyle." The lieutenant walked away. Admiral Hardgrieves looked over the message. "Battle stations in 10 minutes? That's not enough time, I know Bond can do it." He balled up the message and threw it in the trash. He looked back out over the ocean, "You've got 20 minutes, James." ~~~~~~~~~~~ KANG's base ~~~~~~~~~~~  
"Ladies and Gentlemen, in precisely 5 minutes, the world as we know will forever change." KANG went on with his final briefing. Bond stared woefully at the computer screen, when suddenly, he remembered something his mother used to say, "James, even the thickest skulls can be broken with the right words." His eyes lit up, and he typed in the password, Palicide. ACCESS GRANTED. Bond smiled to himself, "I knew he was gay." ~~Meanwhile~~  
Kail and Palicide both walked up to the central entrance. Kail said to Palicide, "Do we have a plan?" Palicide turned to him and said, "you bet." He pressed a button on his watch. The Aston Martin drove up next to them. He pressed another button, and the headlights began to glow. KANG looked up from his podium and saw the car, and then the two protagonists. "No...it can't be!" Palicide yelled, "You bet it is!" The high concentration lasers shot out of the headlights and split into multiple cutting beams. People fell into numerous pieces on the ground and one laser shot through the satellite dish, damaging most of it. Then the red beams came together on one spot, KANG. They sliced him up seven or eight times. Then the lasers abruptly stopped. Kail turned around to see the batteries overheated. He looked back, KANG was holding perfectly still. Slowly, lines appeared all over his body. Both his shirt sleeves fell off, then his arms. The rest of him fell to pieces on the ground. Bond looked up over his computer, then ducked as sparks shot out of the roof. He got back up and looked down at the pile of KANG. He smirked, then quipped, "This is certainly no time to go to pieces." Kail and Palicide high-fived each other. Bond finished hacking the system. Large lettering appeared across the screen. RETRO ROCKETS FIRING.  
Smiley joined Kail and Palicide on the ground. A voice was suddenly heard. "You don't really think that could stop me, do you?" They all turned around and saw KANG's body reforming. He stood up in front of them. KANG looked to the only remaining technician. "YOU! get on the system, and make the Proton Decelerator stay on course!" The technician whimpered, then said, "Yes sir, but there'll be a delay in it's firing, at least 5 minutes." KANG sneered, then turned to the Krew. "You have caused me pain. for that, you shall all die." Kail struck a combat pose, then Palicide stepped in front of him. "This fight is mine."  
Palicide threw off his shirt and hat. "I haven't done this since I fought Kane's beast Gama on the Holy Savior." Palicide grinned even more. "Tell me KANG, have you ever experienced fear?" Palicide began powering up, his muscles bulging out and his veins practically bursting. He yelled aloud as he went Super German 2! KANG, undaunted, replied. "You have no idea what you're getting into. But you're in luck, I'll grant you an instant death." KANG then transformed into his true and hideous form. The two rushed each other and engaged in the greatest battle of their lives!  
  
CH 24: The Grand Finale` Inside KANG's base  
The technician worked as fast as he could, hoping he could fix the system. He typed as fast as he could. "That jerk changed the access codes."  
  
He continued typing until he came up with a silly idea. "Hm....KANG sux" ACCESS GRANTED. "Yes!" ~~~~the fight~~~~  
Palicide and KANG are evenly matched, both with their hands locked together pushing against each other. They broke apart and squared off. Palicide thought quickly. "How am I going to defeat him?" Then he had an idea. his ultimate attack. Palicide laughed evilly. "I hope you're ready for this one..." Palicide floated upwards. Then outstretched his arms and legs. He screamed as a yellow energy aura surrounded him. KANG stood with his arms crossed, waiting for Pali's next trick. Lighting bolts crashed around him and clouds swirled overhead. Smiley was standing several feet behind KANG. He watched Palicide in awe. He was unaware of what could happen. Bond looked up at the satellite dish, he noticed it began moving again. He grabbed a steel pole and stuffed it into one of the chain links. It crashed against one of the suspension cables.  
The technician watched his screen and wet himself when the error message appeared. "WHY DOES THIS CURSED TECHNOLOGY BETRAY ME?!"  
Palicide brought his arms with both palms touching horizontally. An energy ball formed in his hands. Then he yelled, "If you want to run KANG, I'd understand." KANG just laughed at him. Kail whispered, "don't...do it..." Bolts of energy shot from Palicide and struck all around. Palicide, blinded by his rage, laughed insanely. Smiley took a single step back. He was seriously freaked out. Bond ran up to Kail. "What does Palicide think he's doing? He won't have any energy left after he lets out his attack!" Kail yelled to Palicide, "You're going to destroy the entire planet! Palicide, you've got to stop it!!" Bond ducked behind the Aston Martin, Kail shielded his face, and Smiley ran out of the line of fire. Palicide put his final ounce of energy into his palms, then yelled with all his might, "FINAL FLASH! YAAAAH!!!" The beam shot out of his hands and directly towards KANG. KANG's face quickly turned to shock and said, just before the blast hit him, "What's this?!" The beam engulfed him completely and grew as wide as Pennsylvania. It shot across the ocean and off into space, going on for light years.  
Palicide fell to the ground, breathing heavily. His hands drooped to his sides. "There, did you like that?" the smoke cleared some more, revealing KANG's face, with a pained expression on it. Some more smoke cleared, revealing the entire left side of his body had been blown off. "I'll take that, as a yes." Bond and Kail both were amazed. "He knew what he was doing the entire time and focused his blast on KANG!" Commented Bond. KANG looked down at his missing body parts. "You...you actually hit me!" Palicide began laughing at him. KANG groaned in agony, "Look at this...you maimed me!" Palicide laughed even louder. KANG looked back up at him and chortled. "You're a fool! Have you already forgotten that I can regenerate my limbs at will?" Palicide stopped laughing. KANG grunted and groaned, then an arm shot out of his left side, followed by the rest of the replacement body parts. Palicide stared in astonishment. KANG chuckled while he flexed his new arm. "Are you impressed?" KANG went back to his fighting pose, "Now let's continue, shall we?" Palicide charged KANG, punching and kicking wildly. KANG dodged all of his attacks with ease. KANG struck Palicide in the back, then kicked him up into the air.  
Smiley watched the battle from afar. "Wow-" He thought. "KANG is much stronger than I thought. He must not have used all of his power when he fought me!" Smiley turned around to look at the satellite dish. The metal groaned and small fires sprouted up around it. ~~~~~~~~~~ Outer Space ~~~~~~~~~~  
The Proton Decelerator space weapon continued re-entry; Its wings are glowing and pieces of insulin are falling off. The front of it opened up, and the laser cannon came out. Blue energy collected around the tip. ~~~~~~~~~~~ KANG's base ~~~~~~~~~~~  
Smiley looked up, then at the dish. "If I don't act now, the whole planet is doomed!" He ran over to the Aston Martin. Smiley snatched the keys from James' hands. Smiley flipped the switch to activate the onboard rockets. 4 missiles shot out at the dish, destroying it.  
The Proton Decelerator finished charging up. The targeting laser shot out, focused directly on KANG's island base. Everyone stopped and looked up. Admiral Hardgrieves stared through his binoculars. "We're too late..." Suddenly, the laser drifted to the left, faster and faster. The satellite had just lost it's transmission to the dish. The targeting laser drifted to the edge of the planet. Then the Proton Decelerator beam was emitted from the cannon. The bright red laser streaked across the sky. Barely grazing the planet. ~~~~~~ Uranus ~~~~~~  
Some aliens walked along a stone path, when they looked up. A bright red flash was all they saw. ~~~~~~~~~~~ KANG's base ~~~~~~~~~~~  
KANG growled in anger at what had happened. "I assure you this is far from over! You may have spoiled my plans but I can still kill you!!" Bond snapped out of his trance and raised his Walther, KANG moved rapidly to dodge each shot. Suddenly, he heard a clicking sound behind his ear, followed by rapid humming. He looked out of the corner of his eye to see B, holding an insane looking weapon. "Dodge this." The weapon discharged a blue laser beam through his head. The beam blasted through multiple walls and hit the technician in the other room. KANG fell to the ground, his eyes rolled up into the back of his head. B threw the weapon over his shoulder and commented, "That was simple enough." Kail quickly warned. "He can still regenerate himself!" B grinned, "Not with this. This is my prototype Disrupter rifle. He won't be coming back. look." They all looked at KANG. His body was rapidly disintegrating into ashes. Palicide staggered to his feet, and stumbled over to Bond. "Is it...is it over?" Bond caught Palicide as he fell into his arms. Bond whispered into his ear, "It's okay Jacque....it's finally over..." They stared into each others eyes. Then embraced in a passionate kiss. Kail's eyes widened, and Smiley turned around to barf. "I knew it!" Exclaimed John, "You do like men!" Then Kail though for a second. "You like men?!" John joined Smiley with barfing. Palicide broke the fiery embrace, then fell out of Super German mode and pased out. Everyone then looked at B. Smiley asked, "How did you find this place?" B replied, "I-" Kail interrupted him, "We know, we know, you're paid to know." B frowned and said, "Well actually, I just followed the yellow brick road. See?" He pointed to a yellow cobblestone path. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Buckingham Palace ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
"James Bond, John Kail, Irennie Galore, Pussy Galore, Greg Smiley, Jacque Ceasteu Palicide....and B." The Queen announced, "Thanks to all of you're valiant efforts, the country, the world, possibly the universe, has been saved from KANG." Kail smiled goofily and said, "aw shucks ma'am, twernt nothin'!" She thought for a moment, "uh...right. Anyway, let me present you with the highest honor we can give-" Smiley interjected, "I get to be knighted?! OH BOY!" The queen shook her head and frowned, "No....you get a village in France named after you."  
The Krew got into their jet and flew off to Barbados, for some fun, sun, and oysters. Until their next assignment, they'll rest easy. But first, they had to go to the Cayman Islands, to bury an old friend. Bond walked through the busted up base; the rest of the team behind him. "What...Where's Reiker's body?" They looked around, but he wasn't there. Then they looked on the ground, and found a set of steel teeth. They heard a whooshing sound behind them. "What was that?!" exclaimed Kail. They all looked around, but saw nothing. They got into the jet and left, wondering what really did happen to Reiker Teraku... ~~~~~~~~~~ Somewhere ~~~~~~~~~~  
A man sat in an egg chair, many small creatures standing around them. "I'll get you for betraying me!" The figure exclaimed. It jumped up and danced around a bit.  
  
The End  
Pierce Brosnan as James Bond  
Sean Bean as John Kail  
Kevin Costner as Smiley  
Mel Gibson as Palicide  
Bill Pullman as KANG  
Michael Cain as B  
Desmond Llewelyn as Q  
Natalie Portman as Pussy Galore  
Carol Bouquet as Irennie Galore  
Alec Baldwin as Reiker Teraku  
Judi Dench as M  
Samantha Bond as Miss Moneypenny  
  
James Bond will Return.... 


End file.
